Training like a convict, part three.
Prison Workouts
Part Three: Calves, Legs, AbsBy The Sensei
For the second part of this three-part series, click here.
“What's wrong with that?” My student inquired.“For starters, let’s clear up another bodybuilding-based misconception.” I told my student. “The idea that you should work your quadriceps first when doing a lower body workout.”
I was more than happy to put another falsehood to death. “Well, the contemporary idea is that you should do the biggest exercises, such as squats and leg presses, first, because they take up the most energy. In fact, this is a mistake. If you tire out your thighs too much, your legs will become unstable. They’ll wobble and quiver too much for you to do calves properly. You should always do calves first. Tiring out your quads screws up your calf training, but all the calf work in the world won’t cut into your quad training.”
“So we start with calves?” The young man replied. “In the gym, the big guys do this on a machine. That’s best, huh?”
“No way!” This guy was a pretty slow learner. I was going to have to drive my point home on this one. “Do you know who the biggest manufacturer of weights machines in the world is? A company called Nautilus. The first Nautilus machines were created by a genius, Arthur Jones, who was arguably the greatest exercise ideologist of his time. But for years he refused to make a calf machine.”
“Why?” My student asked. By now, he was starting to recover from the back and arm work I’d just put him through.
“Because he believed that the single leg calf raise off a step was the perfect calf exercise. He saw no point in creating a machine that would be inferior. So let’s get to it!”
We were still by the stairs, so I had my student stand on the edge of a step, both heels hanging down off the back, whilst holding onto a railing for support.
“Drop your heels as far as you can,” I instructed, “and slowly push back up until you are on your tiptoes. Then hold the contraction for five seconds.”
I made him do twenty reps in strict form. As soon as he finished I instructed him to hold the bottom position—with his calves in a full stretch—for thirty seconds. He looked like he was being shot, he was in so much pain!
“Don’t neglect this exercise, no matter how painful it is until you get used to it.” I continued, as my student worked his calf muscles into oblivion. “Strong calves and ankles are essential for running and roadwork. Leg strength is limited when the calves are weak. Powerful calf muscles even help to prevent knee injuries.”
“Right,” I said when he limped off the step. “Roll your ankles around for a bit, until the tightness subsides. That was just the warm-up.”
“Despite his grimace, I made him repeat the exercise—including the stretch—this time using only his left leg. Then I made him do it with the right. With strict form and the peak contractions, he could only get six reps per side. Remember if you do unilateral—one-sided—movements, always start with your weakest limb, not your strongest. That way, you can ensure you do an even number of repetitions either side; when the weakest limb fails at a certain number, make sure you limit yourself to the same number on the stronger side, to keep your training symmetrical.
“That’s enough for now.” I told my pained student. “But I want you to build up to two strict sets of fifty reps on the single leg version. And I want you to get so flexible that your heels touch the floor during the stretch.”
“Christ,” My friend moaned. “You’re a slave driver! What did your last slave die of?”
“I killed the wimpy little bastard. He was insolent.”
That raised a smile. “What about hamstrings?” he asked.
“There are some excellent bodyweight exercises you can do for hamstrings. But this is enough for now. Besides, bridges I’ve taught you will give your hamstrings plenty of work to start with. And speaking of bridges, while your back is still warm and loose from all that bridging, it’s the perfect time to do abs.”
“Ah,” My student piped up. “Now I know I can do this area without machines. I’m guessing crunches, right?”
“You wish!” I shot back. “Crunches are a puny semi-toning exercise that barely work the stomach muscles at all. They isolate the abominus rectus, but do nothing for the real muscles of the waist…the psoas, the hip flexors, the obliques. For that, you need a functional exercise. Hanging leg raises!”
“But all the big bodybuilders do crunches?” He replied, quizzically.
“Yeah, I know.” I said. “And do you know why they do crunches? Because almost all of them are on powerful bodybuilding drugs. Not just steroids, but nasty shit like growth hormone, insulin and other biological growth factors. These chemicals don’t just make their muscles grow. They make everything grow…their bones, and even their internal organs and intestines. The drugs make everything grow except their balls, which shrivel up into raisins. That’s why the big bodybuilders today have these massive “’roid guts” hanging off them, even if they don’t have any bodyfat. The last thing they want is a thicker stomach wall. So they do set after set of these ridiculous crunches.”
We were still on the stairs, so I had my student hang from the overhead bar again. He tried to do leg raises, but lacked the strength. I had him do knee raises instead, which are the easier version. He managed only seven reps before he slipped from the bar.
“Dammit!” He blasted. “I feel like my abs could do more work, but my arms are too tired from the exercises we’ve already done. I just couldn’t hang on any longer.”
This was no surprise. “You will have to build up your hand stamina.” I told him. “It’s one of the four main curses of the modern age—weak back, weak heart, weak digestion and weak hands. Former generations of men used to have to work all day with their hands Our grandfathers and forefathers generally had rough, strong, callused hands, the result of endless manual labor. Mining, carrying, digging, lifting. The technological age changed all this, practically overnight. Machines do it all now. Tough grip strength is not built by playing on the computer or lifting potato chips to your mouth. Even modern strength athletes have weaken hands than their historical counterparts, due to labor-saving devices and gadgets like machines and wrist straps that take pressure off the grip during training.”
I had my student stretch out his abs by placing his hips against the wall, face on, and straightening his arms gently to push his torso back, stretching his stomach and hips. This exercise is sometimes called the wall cobra. Following the stretch, he did a final set of hanging knee raises, this time managing four reps before his fingers slipped. Then he stretched again.
“When you have mastered the knee raises, start doing them with bent legs.” I told him. “When you can do two sets of twenty bent leg raises hanging from the bar, you’ll be strong enough to tackle the straight legged version again.”
I slapped my hands together as he finished his stomach stretches.
“Okay. Time for quads. I like to do my squats last, because they’re most exhausting. It’s a perfect way to finish off a workout. Don’t you agree?”
My student nodded limply. I love the smell of pain in the morning.
We went back to the main office where I had my student do a set of thirty full squats—deep knee bends with nothing but his own bodyweight. All the way down, and all the way up. The set seemed to take forever, but he got there. By the end, he was wheezing steam like an old-fashioned freight train. For a stretch, I made him hold the lowest position—with his backside resting on his heels—for thirty seconds. By now he was sweating buckets and looked about ready to puke. I could see how badly his quads were burning, having to hold the position.
“Okay. You can relax now.” I said when he reached thirty. “We’re nearly done.”
He tumbled onto the floor, finished.
“Nearly?! I don’t think I can do any more,” he pleaded.
“Trust me. Sit in a kneeling position, and close your eyes. Try to relax.”
Reluctantly, he did so.
“Now that you’re naturally breathing so deeply from the squats, it’s the ideal time to open up your lungs to their full capacity. I want you to take thirty deep breaths. This is an old Kempo technique used after training called chinkon. It develops the lungs, speeds recovery time, clears lactic acid following exertion, and focuses the mind. In time, you can use it as the basis for meditation.”
We counted out his thirty breaths. They were fast and shallow at first, but in time became smooth and deep. The breathing increased his sweating, and there was practically a puddle dripping off him. You could almost see the toxins and crap being sweated out of his pores. Too many pizzas.
“Well done!” I exclaimed, as he finished. “Nothing like squats, eh? Build up to two sets of thirty. Then three sets. When you can do four sets, build up to fifty. When you can do four sets of fifty with only thirty seconds rest in between, your quads will be like steel elevator cables. You’ll be ready to experiment with one-leg squats.”
“I don’t think I can remember all this, he gasped.” He thrust a piece of paper and a pen under my nose, before collapsing onto the couch. I’d only been working him for about thirty-five minutes, but he looked like he had run a marathon.
I hastily scribbled down the exercises I’d taught him:
Exercise: Stretch:
1. Pushups -
2. Uneven incline pushups Doorway stretch
3. Handstand pushups Reverse prayer
4. Chair dips Elbows up
5. Bridges Floor toe touch
6. Wrestler’s bridges -
7. Forward bridges -
8. Overhand pullups Arm windmills
9. Close grip underhand pullups Crucifix hold
10. Eagle claws Hand shaking
11. Stairway calf raises Calf stretch
12. Hanging leg raises Wall cobra
13. Full squats Squat hold
14. Deep breathing -
Okay. Now the kid had some knowledge, it was time to tell him how to use it.
“I’ve worked your entire body tonight with fourteen exercises. Twenty-four if you count the stretches. Some prisoners would do a workout like this every day…sometimes, several times per day. They build up to this in their cells because there’s nothing else to do, and they need their bodies as tough as possible in case of conflict. But you don’t need to do so much. Your time would be better spent mastering the basics, and learning other skills, like the Ten Skills. Remember, physical training is just one of the skills. There’s another nine I want you to bring into your life.”
“What do you think I should do?” he asked.
“I think you would be better served by doing a three day cycle. Do exercises one to four on one day, five to ten on the next day, and eleven to fourteen on the last day. Don’t forget to stretch for thirty seconds in-between sets. Then take a day off, and repeat. It only works out as about fifteen, twenty minutes training time per day. Spend the rest of your free time here doing something productive, but different. Train your mind. Read. Learn strategy, for example. Master a weapon. Get the idea?”
“Yeah…” he nodded. Through the fatigue, there seemed to be a glimmer of inspiration taking hold in the young man.
I looked at my watch.
“It’s two a.m. I’ve been here over an hour now.” I said. “I only came here to check out where you were working! I’m outta here…I have my own training to do, you know.”
And with that, I was gone, leaving the poor guy a quivering mass of jelly, slumped exhausted, in rivers of his own sweat. I chuckled to myself as I hit the black streets and jogged home. I knew he’d sleep well tonight—but I also knew he’d be in a lot of pain tomorrow.
Probably for a few days, in fact.
The incident I’ve related to you took place about six months ago, although I caught up with my student again recently. Far from bemoaning his long, “boring” night shifts, now he loves ‘em. He’s built up to doing his own customized prison-style workouts five days a week, focusing on a different bodypart each day. He’s worked up to one-arm pushups and can do fifteen strict pullups. He’s stronger and more flexible than he’s ever been in his life, and his blubber has melted away—he didn’t even have to diet it off.
He told me how much he’s grown to love the challenge of bodyweight training—he’s a total convert. He canceled his pricey subscription to the gym and spent the money on self-defense lessons instead. Since his workouts are so brief, he also has time to practice his combat moves at work. The boy’s coming on a treat. He has that inner confidence—not showy—that comes from the knowledge that he can use his body if he needs to. He looks lean and mean. In fact, he looks like an Urban Warrior, which is what he is.
As for you?
Don’t go out to train your muscles. Take a lesson from the convicts.
Lock yourself in.