Training like a convict, part one.
Prison Workouts
Part One: Chest, Shoulders, TricepsBy The Sensei
Despite this sweet, hassle-free job, my friend was depressed. He had begun working out in the gym before starting his new career, and was starting to put on a little strength and beef. He even had a personal trainer, with a nice, boy band haircut. But his new schedule meant that he’d had to drop the gym, and he was paranoid about losing his newfound strength and size.
“The only downside to the job is being trapped in the building all night. I can feel myself slipping out of condition day-by-day.” He complained as he flipped on the TV.
I could feel a training session bubbling up inside me.
“Don’t be so feeble-minded, fool!” I challenged. “Some of the most serious, dangerous athletes in the world are “locked up” all day. Convicts. Some of those guys have freaky strength and conditioning.”
“Yeah, but those guys do the bench press all day long, out in the yard. That’s why they’re huge.” He said.
“Not so,” I replied. “Not all prisoners have access to weights. In fact, it’s a relatively recent thing. For decades, prisoners were some of the most dedicated and well-trained athletes in the world, precisely because they had no access to free weights. With very little external equipment, they were forced to use their bodies as their gymnasium. Locked alone in their cells, they trained the way soldiers train, the way men have trained for centuries. The way gladiators trained, thousands of years ago. Even though we can’t learn any higher lessons from these immoral scumbags locked away from society, then at least we can learn to hone the body into a weapon.”
He looked dubious.
“Sure. Thousands of pushups and squats, I know the drill. Endurance is one thing. But I won’t be able to retain muscle mass by bodyweight training, will I?” He asked.
“Of course.” I said. “I always advise training for function, not appearance. But if it’s a wider back, bigger arms, rounder shoulders, or thicker legs you want, then bodyweight training will give you all that as a welcome side-effect. Even more sculpted pecs.”
“No way!” He spat. “Everyone knows that you can’t really work your pecs without a heavy bench press.” The way he said it, you would have thought I’d committed blasphemy, or suggested that him mom was a slut. (No comment.)
“Really?” I replied. “Have you ever seen a gymnast? Their upper bodies are phenomenal…easily big enough to win drug-free bodybuilding contests.”
His interest was beginning to pique.
“Yeah…” he acknowledged. “But those guys have rings and bars and God knows what. And I ain’t no gymnast.” He poked his expanding belly for emphasis.
“Bull!” I told him. “Bodyweight exercises are the finest exercises anybody can do. And you can build up your strength from any starting level. I’ll show you.”
And with that, a long night of torture began.
I was convinced I had to show this guy the error of his ways. It saddens me that modern men are so brainwashed by the muscle magazines that they think working out is impossible without weights or machines.
I warmed him up with pushups. A couple of sets of ten, just to get some blood into his elbows and shoulders. Then I got a nice, thick dictionary from the desk and placed it on the floor several feet out from the desk.
“Right, more pushups now—but advanced this time!”
I had my student place his feet up on the desk, for the old standard of incline pushups. But this time, I added a tasty twist.
“Place your right hand flat on the floor, and the left on the dictionary.” I instructed. He shuffled into position with an uncomfortable look on his face.
“Okay, now do your pushups—slowly. Three seconds up, six seconds down.”
Placing the arms in an uneven position means that the highest arm gets the most work—it’s almost an intermediate technique between a regular pushup and the one-arm version. If you can’t find an object like a dictionary, a couple of bricks or a cinderblock will work brilliantly. There’s always a solid object somewhere. My student struggled and strained with the unusual position, but squeezed out ten slow, strict reps before collapsing to catch his breath.
“Don’t waste time between sets!” I barked. “The time between sets is half your workout. Use it!”
I opened the door and pulled him over to the doorway. “Right. Place your hands on either side of the doorway to stretch out your chest and shoulder girdle.”
My friend did as he was told.
“Lean forwards more! Stretch those pecs! Supple muscles are fast muscles!”
His face began to flush and he grimaced with pain as I counted him thirty seconds. “Right!” I said. “Set two!”
I made him repeat the uneven pushups, this time the other way round, with his right hand on the book and his left hand on the floor. He began to strain at about rep three, and managed only five, quivering reps before he could do no more.
“Oh dear. Not even two sets, eh? And you thought all that benching was hard!” I teased, as I forced him to do his second set of doorway stretches. Only five minutes into the workout, and his face was red as a beet.
“Jesus!” He whispered as he completed the agonizing stretches, clutching his distressed torso. “That was hard.”
“Nah,” I replied. Build up to four strict sets of fifteen for each arm. Then you’ll be ready to move to one-arm pushups, then incline one-arm pushups. Now that’s hard!”
“What about shoulders?” He asked, catching his breath. “I normally do the military press.”
“A great exercise.” I responded. “I’m going to show you how to do it with no equipment. Let’s go!”
I closed the door.
“Okay. Handstand position!”
My friend looked at me with a trace of anxiety. I could see he was regretting having moaned about things now. But he did as he was told, placing his hands firmly on the floor and kicking up hard. It took him a couple of tries, but soon he was in a handstand position with his back against the closed door.
“Right. Hold.” I said.
“How long?” He gulped, his whole body shaking.
“Don’t bother looking at the clock. Go inside. Focus on your breaths. Try to relax, breathe deeply, and count out twenty breaths before you come down.”
He didn’t have the energy to argue, and did as he was told before coming down with a crash.
“More elegantly, next time!” I barked.
“What now?” He said between gulps of air.
This time I made him do the reverse prayer stretch. You do it by placing your palms together behind your back. If you can’t do it, begin just by clasping your hands behind your back in a monkey grip. This provides a great stretch for the lateral deltoid. I counted him to thirty and made him get back into the handstand position. He shook and struggled, but could only hold it for ten breaths before his arms gave way and he came down with a thump.
“I thought I told you to be more elegant?” I teased. But he was too out of breath to cuss me. I put him through the reverse prayer again, for another slow thirty seconds.
“I just couldn’t hold it,” He said afterwards. “Too heavy. And my arms are still tired from those weird pushups.”
“Hey, not bad for a beginner!” I said, trying to encourage him. “When you can build up to two sets of thirty breaths, try bringing some movement in. Lower your head to the floor under full control, and kick back up. When you can do two sets of ten, you’ll be ready to try pressing yourself up properly. Build up to two strict sets of fifteen, using just muscle power.”
“Then what?” He asked.
“You want more?” I asked, incredulously. “Okay. Once you can do two sets of fifteen, begin the progress I’ve just outlined again, but this time using just one hand. By the time you can do two sets of fifteen one arm handstand pushups, you’ll have shoulders like a Greek god!”
“I bet there aren’t many guys in the gym who can do that.” He commented.
“Yeah, approximately none!” I laughed. “But I still think you have something left, my friend. We have only done six sets so far this workout.”
I chuckled as I felt my student’s apprehension rising. I pulled the chair over to the desk.
“Chair dips!” I beamed. “A fantastic finishing exercise, and perfect for deep-frying the triceps.” I had him sit in the chair whilst grasping the handles, and placing his heels on the desk.
“Right, dip up and down, in and out of the chair. Use only a range of motion of about eight to ten inches. It’s a finishing exercise for the shoulders and arms today. Make sure you squeeze your triceps hard at the top.”
“How many?” He asked with some trepidation.
“As many as ya got!” I replied.
He managed sixteen, cranky, burning reps. After his first set I had him stretch by pointing his elbows up at the ceiling, with his hands behind his head—and excellent stretch for the triceps, elbows and shoulders. Quivering, sweating and looking like he was being tortured, he managed only seven reps for his second set of chair dips. We repeated the elbows up stretch for a final thirty seconds. He looked like his head was going to explode. Upon completion, he grabbed his swollen upper arms.
“Okay.” That’s chest shoulders and triceps done.” I said, generously. “I only gave you three exercises, using hardly any equipment. But I could’ve given you a lot more if you want?”
“That’s enough!” He pleaded. “My upper body is fried! I think I’m gonna be good and sore tomorrow. That stuff is gold.”
I glanced at the clock.
“Good. A little suffering is an excellent exercise for the spirit. And this “prison-style” workout has taken you only fourteen minutes.” I pointed out. “That’s the time it normally takes you to drive to the gym, let alone get a workout.”
My student was still puffing and panting. He’d had a great, intense cardio workout. His muscles were toasted. And he’d had a flexibility workout in-between the main sets. All this in twelve minutes.
“Okay, you’ve convinced me there.” He said, panting. “Chest and shoulders can receive a helluva workout without the bench press. But what about back and biceps? Or the rest of the body?”
“I’m so glad you asked,” I replied. “Because we’re only just getting started, son!”